The work of caring for aging parents often begins long before caregiving itself. In this episode of Varsity’s Roundtable Talk, Derek Dunham talks with Dr. Allison Alford, Baylor University professor, researcher and author of Good Daughtering, about the often invisible emotional, mental and logistical work adult daughters perform to keep families connected.
Together, they explore the concept of “daughtering,” why so much of women’s family labor goes unrecognized, how daughters can set healthier boundaries without guilt and why honest conversations about aging and caregiving should begin long before a crisis.
Check out the full episode here.
WHAT DOES “DAUGHTERING” MEAN?
Daughtering is meant to be an active representation of what it means to be an adult daughter in a family. Just like we might use active terms like parenting, mothering or partnering, it gives us a sense that being an adult daughter is an active way that women show up. Daughtering is the often invisible emotional, mental, logistical and identity labor that women do in families to stay connected. Often women are doing so much more than they realize until all of a sudden they feel burnt out.
WHY HAS THE WORK OF DAUGHTERS HISTORICALLY BEEN SO INVISIBLE OR UNRECOGNIZED?
One of the reasons daughtering is invisible socially, in society, in culture and in families is because we don’t have the words to describe what daughters do that’s so important and valuable. Women will say, “I’m mothering my mother” or “I’m the parent for my parents.” But you’re not your parent’s parent. What we’re describing is things with more nuance, like care, intimacy, closeness, disclosure, privacy, safety and comfort. It’s important that we call the things we do by the right name.
WHAT ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF DAUGHTERING THAT PEOPLE MIGHT NOT EVEN REALIZE COUNT AS CARE?
I like to talk about daughtering in four categories: acting, thinking, feeling and being. Acting is visible, like calling a parent, bringing them a gift or planning a retirement party. But there’s also thinking, feeling and being a daughter. Those are invisible because they’re happening in our minds and hearts. Thinking work might be planning ahead or removing roadblocks before we run into them. Feeling work is managing our own or others’ emotions. Being work is carrying on the customs, traditions, name and legacy of our family.
IS “ELDEST DAUGHTER SYNDROME” A REAL DYNAMIC?
The research says there’s not a causal relationship, meaning just because you’re the eldest doesn’t mean you will end up doing the most. At the same time, I’m a researcher who believes people. When women say, “As the oldest, I feel the most responsible,” I believe it. They’re saying, “I’m burnt out because I’ve been doing it my whole life. Nobody is giving me credit. Nobody’s noticing how hard I try, and the harder I try, the less they do.” It compounds until they’re burnt out and just want to quit.
HOW DOES DAUGHTERING CHANGE AS PARENTS AGE AND FAMILY ROLES BEGIN TO SHIFT?
In my book, I talk about the “kinship shift.” If I’m a daughter and I’m 20, what my mom or dad need from me may be very little. But by the time I’m 40 and they’re 70, there are different emotional needs, time needs and maybe financial needs. We may take on more of the alpha role, as in being the more in-charge person. That doesn’t mean I become my mother’s mother or my dad’s parent. Daughtering has to change. It has to grow and it has to morph.
