Tag: caregiver burnout

QUOTES

“Daughtering is the often invisible emotional, mental, logistical and identity labor that women do in families to stay connected.” (Dr. Alford)

“Women are doing so much more than they realize until all of a sudden they feel burned out.” (Dr. Alford)

“It’s so important that we call the things we do by the right name. When I’m caring for my parents or interacting with them, I am daughtering them.” (Dr. Alford)

“Being a daughter is something we’re born into and something we remain until the day we die, even after our parents have passed. We can find beauty and honor in that role when we elevate it and talk about its intricacies.” (Dr. Alford)

“Two things can be true at the same time. It can feel like an obligation, and it can also be something you genuinely want to do.” (Dr. Alford)

“I call myself the cruise director. I’m noticing who is where, who needs what, who needs to calm down and who needs a little conversation in the bathroom so we can all get ourselves together.” (Dr. Alford)

“Daughtering is kind of like pennies in a fountain. Each act isn’t special on its own, but over time those pennies add up to something incredibly meaningful.” (Dr. Alford)

“We’re not stuck in the family patterns we inherited. I don’t have to do daughtering exactly the way my mom did.” (Dr. Alford)

“Sometimes the greater goal calls for a little bit of friction.” (Dr. Alford)

“We’re starting each day with our battery at 30 percent, then wondering why we feel overwhelmed, resentful or burned out.” (Dr. Alford)

“Create a rubric for what an A-plus-plus daughter would look like, then aim to be a B-plus daughter. A B-plus daughter is still a pretty dang good daughter.” (Dr. Alford)

“Just because you can see what needs to be done and you’d be good at doing it doesn’t mean it’s yours to carry.” (Dr. Alford)

NOTES

Dr. Allison Alford is a professor at Baylor University, researcher and author of Good Daughtering. Her work focuses on family dynamics, caregiving, gender roles and the often-overlooked emotional, mental and logistical labor adult daughters perform throughout their lives. She has spent more than a decade researching how daughter-parent relationships shape families and personal identity.

Good Daughtering is based on more than 10 years of research and conversations with hundreds of women. Dr. Alford wrote the book to make academic research on family relationships more accessible and to give daughters, siblings and spouses practical tools for understanding the often invisible work women perform within families.

Dr. Alford defines “daughtering” as the often invisible emotional, mental, logistical and identity labor women perform to stay connected with their families.

She explains that daughtering extends far beyond caregiving and includes four dimensions: acting, thinking, feeling and being, many of which happen behind the scenes and often go unnoticed.

She believes society lacks the language to describe the unique role daughters play, causing much of their work to be mislabeled, overlooked or viewed simply as an extension of motherhood.

Rather than striving to be a perfect daughter, Dr. Alford encourages women to define what “good daughtering” looks like for their own circumstances and aim for sustainable expectations that leave room for other priorities.

She compares daughtering to putting pennies into a fountain. Small, consistent acts of care may seem insignificant individually, but over time they build strong, meaningful relationships.

She emphasizes that healthy boundaries are essential and reminds daughters that just because they are capable of doing something doesn’t mean they are responsible for carrying every burden.

Dr. Alford encourages families to begin conversations about aging, caregiving and future preferences long before a crisis occurs, reducing stress and helping everyone make more informed decisions together.

She believes the strongest family relationships balance obligation with gratitude, recognizing that caring for aging parents can be both difficult and deeply meaningful at the same time.

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The following is a recap from Varsity’s Roundtable, a weekly virtual gathering of senior living marketers and leaders from across the nation. For updates about future weekly Roundtable gatherings, submit your name and email address here. 

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Caregiving doesn’t begin the day someone moves into senior living or needs help with daily tasks. For many adult daughters, it starts years earlier through the quiet, often invisible work of planning ahead, managing family relationships, carrying emotional burdens and constantly thinking about what’s next. While much of that work goes unnoticed, it can have a profound impact on both the daughter providing support and the aging parent receiving it.

During Varsity’s weekly Roundtable, Dr. Allison Alford, author of Good Daughtering (available on Amazon), explored the hidden realities of family caregiving, why daughters often shoulder responsibilities that others never see, and how senior living professionals can better understand and support them throughout the decision-making process. Below are a few Fresh Perspectives from her discussion.

DAUGHTERING IS MORE THAN CAREGIVING

Supporting an aging parent extends far beyond medications, appointments and daily tasks. Daughters also carry the invisible work of planning, worrying, preserving family traditions and holding relationships together. Recognizing that unseen work is the first step toward addressing it.

EMPATHY MATTERS DURING THE DECISION-MAKING PROCESS

Adult daughters are often balancing guilt, finances, family dynamics and their parent’s wishes all at once. Sales teams that acknowledge those emotions while treating both the daughter and parent with dignity build stronger trust and better relationships.

THE DAUGHTER’S ROLE EVOLVES AFTER THE MOVE

Moving into senior living doesn’t end a daughter’s responsibilities. Her role shifts from hands-on caregiving to advocacy, coordination and emotional support, helping ensure her parent continues to thrive while maintaining family connections.

AIM TO BE A “B+” DAUGHTER, NOT AN “A+” DAUGHTER

Burnout often happens because daughters feel responsible for everything. Setting realistic expectations and healthy boundaries allows them to support their parents while still making room for their own careers, families and well-being.

BECOME THE CEO OF THE CARE TEAM

Instead of trying to do every task yourself, coordinate the people around you. Delegating responsibilities to siblings, spouses, adult grandchildren and the senior living team creates a more sustainable approach and allows daughters to spend more quality time simply being a daughter.

Dementia is often defined by what people lose, but a more helpful question is what abilities remain. In a recent episode of Varsity’s Roundtable Talk, Derek sat down with Teepa Snow, occupational therapist, educator and founder of Positive Approach to Care, one of the most influential voices in dementia care.

Their conversation explored why fear still shapes public perceptions of dementia, how communication must adapt as brain changes occur and why Snow prefers the term “care partner” over caregiver. She also discusses caregiver burnout and the importance of building stronger community support around people living with dementia. The following are some fresh perspectives from their conversation. Check out the full episode here. 

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO TAKE A POSITIVE APPROACH TO DEMENTIA CARE?

Well, in my experience, I can’t use what you can’t do. It’s not possible. What I can do is engage with you and see what you have. And that’s where we can come into a relationship and I can work with you. I need to tune in to the reality of who you are now, not just who you were and what you’re capable of, because that’s what we have to work with and come together with.

WHY IS FEAR STILL THE DOMINANT EMOTION PEOPLE ASSOCIATE WITH DEMENTIA?

I think human beings, as a rule, like the predictable. They like once they master something, they don’t have to think about it so much. And I think what dementia does is rob us of our knowingness. It forces us back into a space of paying attention, being observant. The reality is dementia is ever changing. You don’t get to relax into routine. You have to stay alert, and maybe people don’t want to be on the job so much.

WHAT MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT DEMENTIA DO THE MOST HARM?

The idea that everybody experiences the same kind of losses and changes in the same order. Alzheimer’s tends to take the front seat, but if I’m living with Lewy body or vascular dementia, my symptoms may be very different. It pays to get a pattern established of what I’m living with and how it’s going. And people also think it only happens to older adults and that it’s all about memory. Memory is just this much. There’s a whole lot more going on.

HOW EARLY SHOULD PEOPLE START LEARNING ABOUT BRAIN HEALTH AND CHANGE?

I would like us to learn more about brain health and wellness when we’re younger. Kids know their body parts, but they don’t know the brain parts, and those are super important. If I know how my brain’s supposed to work, then I can notice when it’s doing something unusual. We tend to wait until there’s so much evidence something isn’t going well, and by then we’re past screening and dealing with significant change.

WHY DO YOU PREFER THE TERM “CARE PARTNER” OVER “CAREGIVER”

I believe there is no care about me without me. It’s time to quit treating someone living with dementia like they’re a football and we’re passing them around. It’s their life, their care. I’ve got to figure out how to work with that human being. I can’t just give care because if I give it, you have to receive it. If you don’t want it, you don’t want it. So I have to partner with you.

WHAT ARE EARLY SIGNS OF CARE PARTNER BURNOUT?

If I were to ask you to tell me three things you’ve done today for yourself and you can’t, that’s a sign. If you can’t tell me something you feel good about in your relationship or something that brings you pleasure, it’s time to have a conversation. We don’t train people for this work. We drop them into it and they keep going until they drop. We need to build community around this, not expect one person to carry it all.

Want to hear more from Teepa? Check out the full episode of Roundtable Talk for more fresh perspectives. Watch new episodes of Roundtable Talk on the Varsity website and on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and iHeartRadio.

QUOTES

“I can’t use what you can’t do. What I can do is engage with you and see what you have. That’s where we can come into a relationship and work together.” (Teepa)

“When you’ve lost something, your brain doesn’t give up. Your brain picks something else to use.” (Teepa)

“Dementia robs us of our knowingness. It forces us back into paying attention and being observant because it’s always changing.” (Teepa)

“I need to tune in to the reality of who you are now, not just who you were and what you used to be capable of.” (Teepa)

“People think dementia is all about memory, but memory is this much. There’s all this other stuff going on.” (Teepa)

“The relationship is going to change dramatically. Living with brain change is hard whether you’re on the inside of it or the outside observing it.” (Teepa)

“My job is not to decide that someone is suffering. My job is to figure out how to support you through what you’re going through.” (Teepa)

“I believe there is no care about me without me. It’s their life and their care, and I have to figure out how to partner with them in it.” (Teepa)

“The reality is they’re not less, they’re different. Their brain works differently, but they’re still living life.” (Teepa)

“Eighty percent or more of this work is done by unpaid people like family and friends, and we don’t train them. We just drop them into it and they keep going until they drop.” (Teepa)

“We need at least three people, maybe five or more. We need to build community around this condition.” (Teepa)

NOTES

Teepa Snow is an occupational therapist, educator and one of the most recognized voices in dementia care. She is known for helping families, care partners and senior living professionals better understand brain change and build more meaningful connections with people living with dementia.

Snow is the founder of Positive Approach to Care, an organization focused on improving dementia care through training, education and practical support strategies. The organization works with families, senior living providers and healthcare professionals around the world to build skills and confidence in supporting people experiencing brain change.

Through Positive Approach to Care and the Snow Approach Foundation, Teepa and her team provide training programs, professional education and community-based demonstrations designed to improve dementia care practices. Her work emphasizes practical communication techniques, recognizing remaining abilities and building supportive communities around people living with dementia. Her programs now reach professionals and families across the United States, Canada and more than two dozen countries.

A positive approach to dementia care focuses on what abilities remain rather than what has been lost, meeting people where they are and building connection through observation, tone, body language and supportive communication.

Fear often dominates public perceptions of dementia because the condition disrupts routines and predictability, forcing family members and care partners to stay attentive and adapt constantly as abilities change.

Dementia is often misunderstood as primarily a memory problem affecting older adults, but brain change can involve many other cognitive functions and can also appear earlier in life depending on the type of dementia.

Communication challenges arise because people living with dementia may struggle to retain new information, making it important for care partners to simplify questions, provide visual cues and offer structured choices rather than open-ended requests.

Care partners often experience burnout because most dementia support is provided by unpaid family members who receive little training or preparation for the emotional and practical demands of caregiving.

Snow encourages replacing the term “caregiver” with “care partner,” emphasizing that the person living with dementia remains the central decision-maker in their own life and that support should be collaborative rather than controlling.

Effective dementia care requires broader community support systems, with multiple people sharing responsibility rather than placing the entire burden on a single family member.

Senior living organizations can improve dementia support by training staff to recognize individual histories, preferences and abilities, allowing residents to continue experiencing purpose, independence and meaningful engagement even as cognitive abilities change.