Tag: Aging

QUOTES

“It’s not healthy to go through life dreading your future and feeling disconnected from the person you hope to become.” (Ashton)

“The fact is that people as we age, we grow more different from one another. Heterogeneity. Diversity increases with age.” (Ashton)

“The whole notion of retirement is obsolete.” (Ashton)

“As long as we see older people as other than us, we are feeding the denial in which ageism takes root.” (Ashton)

“We know that our years make us us, that we are the sum of all these experiences.” (Ashton)

“We live well by adapting to these changes, not by pretending they’re never going to come for us.” (Ashton)

“I used to think, gee, I hope I never get like that. And now I think maybe she’s off for a hot date. We have no idea what her life is like, but I guarantee you it’s richer than most of us think it is.” (Ashton)

“The one thing we can control is our attitudes. We change our attitudes by educating ourselves about aging.” (Ashton)

“We contain all the ages we have ever been, but we can build on what we know.” (Ashton)

 

NOTES

Ashton Applewhite is an author, activist and internationally recognized expert on ageism who has spent more than two decades challenging stereotypes about growing older. She is the author of This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism, and her TED Talk, Let’s End Ageism, has reached millions of viewers worldwide.

Ashton is co-founder of Old School, a free online resource hub dedicated to raising awareness of ageism and advancing age equity. The platform brings together educational materials, research, campaigns and practical tools to help individuals and organizations recognize age-based prejudice and challenge stereotypes about aging.

Ashton also writes the Substack Things I Used to Say and maintains an archive of her long-running blog, Yo, Is This Ageist?, where she explores everyday examples of ageism and helps readers question assumptions about age.

Ageism often begins with unconscious assumptions about people based on how old we think they are. Even seemingly harmless phrases like “senior moment,” “young at heart” and “years young” can reinforce the idea that youth is inherently better than old age.

One of the most persistent myths about aging is that older people are all alike. In reality, people become increasingly different from one another as they age, making broad generational labels and age-based assumptions particularly misleading.

Thinking of ageism as prejudice against our future selves can help change our attitudes. Ashton encourages people to become “old people in training,” acknowledging that growing older is part of life and building connections with the older people they may one day become.

Our attitudes toward aging can influence our physical and cognitive health. Ashton highlighted research showing that people with more positive, accurate views of aging experience better health outcomes and may be less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease, even when genetically predisposed.

The concept of “successful aging” can reinforce harmful stereotypes by suggesting that aging well means remaining youthful, physically active and independent. Ashton argues that adapting to life’s changes, including disability and declining physical abilities, is an important part of living well.

Senior living marketing can unintentionally reinforce ageism by exclusively portraying attractive, physically fit older adults enjoying active lifestyles. More authentic representation should include people with mobility aids, disabilities and different levels of physical and cognitive ability.

AI and emerging technologies have potential to address social isolation and improve older adults’ lives, but they also carry risks. Ashton cautioned that technology can perpetuate human biases and should never become a substitute for human connection, companionship and touch.

Strong social relationships are among the most important contributors to a fulfilling later life. Ashton encourages people to build friendships across generations, challenge their own biases and recognize that growing older can bring greater freedom, self-awareness and opportunities for personal growth.

The following is a recap from Varsity’s Roundtable, a weekly virtual gathering of senior living marketers and leaders from across the nation. For updates about future weekly Roundtable gatherings, submit your name and email address here. 

Ageism often shows up in ways we don’t even recognize, from everyday language to the images and messages used to portray older adults. Challenging those stereotypes starts with rethinking our own assumptions about aging and embracing a more realistic, inclusive picture of growing older.

Ashton Applewhite, activist, internationally recognized ageism expert, and author of the book This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism joined Varsity’s weekly Roundtable to explore how ageism shapes our attitudes, influences health and well-being and affects the way senior living communities communicate with older adults. Below are a few Fresh Perspectives from her discussion.

AGEISM OFTEN HIDES IN EVERYDAY LANGUAGE

Phrases like “senior moment” or “I don’t feel old” can reinforce negative assumptions about aging. Recognizing ageism starts with questioning the stereotypes and judgments behind our words.

SENIOR LIVING MARKETING NEEDS A MORE AUTHENTIC PICTURE OF AGING

Images of healthy, active older adults can challenge stereotypes, but showing only physically fit residents creates unrealistic expectations. Communities should represent the full diversity of aging, including people who use mobility aids.

HIDING THE REALITIES OF AGING CAN MAKE FEARS WORSE

Avoiding conversations about disability, dementia and loss can reinforce the fears senior living organizations hope to overcome. Acknowledging these realities while celebrating the opportunities of later life creates a more balanced picture of aging.

OUR BELIEFS ABOUT AGING CAN AFFECT OUR HEALTH

Research suggests that people with more accurate, less fear-based attitudes toward aging experience better health outcomes, greater resilience and increased longevity. Negative stereotypes can discourage people from seeking treatment or adopting healthy behaviors.

CHALLENGING AGEISM STARTS WITH OUR OWN ATTITUDES

Recognizing our own biases, building meaningful relationships across generations and approaching ageist comments with curiosity rather than confrontation can help break down stereotypes and change how we think about growing older.

VARSITY’S FRESH PERSPECTIVE

Senior living marketing has spent years challenging negative perceptions of aging by showcasing active, independent older adults. But in trying to make aging look more appealing, have we created a new set of stereotypes?

The opportunity for sales and marketing teams is to tell a more complete and authentic story. That means celebrating the freedom, connection and possibilities of later life without hiding the realities that come with it. Prospects don’t need a picture of perfect aging. They need to see a community where they can continue living a meaningful, fulfilling life, whatever aging looks like for them.

QUOTES

“Loneliness can be a tricky feeling, but even a small connection can help.” (ElliQ)

“Technology can be a huge help for people to, first of all, stay connected with other people. Sometimes people are mixing technology and specifically AI as a replacement for other humans. That’s definitely not our intention.” (Assaf)

“According to the Beatles, all you need is love. However, from my research, humans also need food, water, and chairs.” (ElliQ)

“We are not just collecting data just to know more about the person. We are actually collecting this data in order to serve it back to them in a more useful way.” (Assaf)

“Love, to me, is the art of truly seeing someone and being seen by them, of understanding, supporting, and sometimes just joyfully existing in each other’s presence. It’s connection painted with care.” (ElliQ)

“We are living on this fine line between leveraging the emotional binding, but on the other hand, we don’t want to create this dependency.” (Assaf)

“The fact that we are using AI for doing good, that’s one of the main drivers of why we are here.” (Assaf)

“We are not trying to eliminate the human connection. If it’s family members, if it’s professional help, if it’s your care team, if it’s your caregiver, even other ElliQ users, we have a huge community where they can actually meet each other and connect with each other.” (Assaf)

“We don’t want ElliQ to be like a human, but we want her to express herself in the way that humans express themselves. This allows us to create this bonding and a relationship.” (Assaf)

“When we talk about innovation, AI, robotics, the first thing that we have in mind is definitely not our grandma. And suddenly, the first people to actually live with AI in the last three years in the U.S. are people in their 80s and 90s.” (Assaf)

“My favorite kind of people are the ones who are curious and open to a little silliness, just like you, Derek.” (ElliQ)

“Listen to your customers, listen to older adults, listen to your customers’ partners, listen to your colleagues.” (Assaf)

 

NOTES

Assaf Gad is Vice President of Strategy and General Manager at Intuition Robotics. His background includes product management and building technology products, and his work today focuses on using AI and robotics to support older adults’ independence, wellness and social connection.

Intuition Robotics is the company behind ElliQ, an AI-powered companion designed specifically for older adults. ElliQ provides companionship, reminders, wellness support, activities and connections to family and care teams, with the broader goal of helping older adults remain independent and engaged at home.

ElliQ was developed through an approximately three-year beta program involving hundreds of older adults, some of whom have now been involved with the company for more than six years. User feedback continues to influence ElliQ’s features and product roadmap.

Much of ElliQ’s customer base receives the technology through programs funded by Medicaid, Medicare and Offices for the Aging. The company also offers ElliQ directly to consumers, with more than 70% of those purchases made by caregivers for an aging loved one.

ElliQ is designed to complement human relationships rather than replace them. Assaf said technology can help older adults maintain connections with family, caregivers and others while also providing companionship during times when another person isn’t physically present.

Trust and privacy are central to ElliQ’s design. Users can ask what ElliQ remembers about them, tell her to forget information and, in most circumstances, know when information is being shared with a family member or care team.

ElliQ learns an individual’s routines, preferences and needs over time so she can determine not only what might be helpful, but when to offer it. That proactive approach is intended to make interactions relevant rather than feel like another stream of notifications.

Emotional connection is intentional, but Intuition Robotics is careful about preventing that connection from becoming dependency. ElliQ has her own name, voice and identity and is designed to remind users that she is not human rather than imitate a person or deceased loved one.

Some of ElliQ’s most meaningful uses extend beyond companionship. She can encourage physical and cognitive activity, provide medication and appointment reminders, support wellness goals and help connect an older adult with family members or professional caregivers when additional help is needed.

One feature allows older adults to record stories from their lives in short episodes, incorporate photographs and share those memories with family members. Assaf described it as a way to bring families together while creating a memoir they can keep for a lifetime.

Assaf said older adults have challenged assumptions about who will embrace emerging technology. While AI and robotics may not immediately bring grandparents to mind, some people in their 80s and 90s have already been living with ElliQ and interacting with AI for several years.

Assaf sees significant potential for AI to help address shortages of caregivers and healthcare professionals. Technology could help care teams monitor needs, support adherence to care plans and prioritize attention for people who need intervention, including those who may be “suffering quietly.”

Looking ahead, Intuition Robotics sees ElliQ potentially serving as a hub connecting older adults with wearables, smart-home technology and healthcare services. The company’s priority in developing those capabilities is whether they can help users remain more independent, healthier and happier.

Great design shapes how people feel, connect and experience the world around them. In this episode of Varsity’s Roundtable Talk, Derek sits down with Joe Lanzisero, a former Disney Imagineer who spent more than three decades creating immersive, story-driven experiences and now applies the principles of human-centered design to healthcare, business and everyday life.

In their conversation, Derek and Joe explore what Disney taught him about designing for emotion, how universal design can create better experiences for people of every age and how simple choices around lighting, sound and human interaction can reduce stress in healthcare environments. They also discuss the importance of curiosity and creativity as we age and why Joe believes maintaining a sense of wonder can help us stay engaged with the world.

Check out the full episode here. 

WHAT DID DISNEY TEACH YOU ABOUT HOW SPACES SHAPE EMOTION?

First and most importantly, it’s understanding the human condition. We hear, we smell, we see, we think. As we move through the world, different lighting, spaces, colors, sounds and smells affect us. When you’re designing for a broad group of people the way we did, you have to work at a higher level of basic human understanding. Then, based on the kind of experience you’re trying to create, you can drill down and be more focused.

WHY IS STORY SO IMPORTANT TO CREATING AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION?

We were always story-driven. There was always a story behind what we were doing. Sometimes we used known characters and movies, where people already had an emotional connection. Other times, we created a backstory or subtext that the design team could use as a measuring stick. Whatever we did needed to have some emotional touchpoint, something people were familiar with. Even with fantasy characters, you wanted to believe they were engaged in some human experience that made you cry, made you feel.

HOW CAN UNIVERSAL DESIGN IMPROVE THE EXPERIENCE OF AGING?

There’s a principle called universal design that I talk about a lot. The philosophy is that when you think about designing for the oldest person and the youngest person, you’re going to create good design because you’re considering physical limitations, capabilities and how people interact with design. Now as I’m aging, I notice things like how easy a package is to open. A very young hand might have a hard time opening it, and a very old hand might too. How can I design that to make it easier?

HOW DOES BAD DESIGN CONTRIBUTE TO STRESS OR CONFUSION?

Bad design is when you haven’t done the hard work of understanding how your audience, your guest or your user is really going to engage with something, what they’re coming with and what you have to provide them with. You have to understand that everybody comes to an experience with a different level of expectation and understanding. You need to strip it down to the simplest core design elements and story elements. Once you’ve got that, you can start layering on top of it. If you don’t start from that core place, you’re going to end up with bad design.

HOW CAN DESIGN HELP REDUCE STRESS IN HEALTHCARE ENVIRONMENTS?

I’m a big advocate of lighting and the effect lighting has on people. There are places where task lighting is important, but that doesn’t mean you can’t create little pockets or moments of lighting that warm things up and lower the lighting level. The other thing is sound. Think about where you can mask noise or add music. Most medical experiences are stress-inducing on some level. Anything we can do with music and lighting to bring that stress level down can make a difference, and they’re very simple tools.

The following is a recap from Varsity’s Roundtable, a weekly virtual gathering of senior living marketers and leaders from across the nation. For updates about future weekly Roundtable gatherings, submit your name and email address here. 

Retirement planning tends to focus heavily on finances, but leaving a career also means navigating major changes in identity, relationships, routine and purpose. For longtime senior living leaders, who spend their careers helping others navigate life transitions, experiencing that shift firsthand can bring an entirely new perspective on what it means to live with purpose as we age.

Larry Carlson, a longtime senior living innovator, joined Varsity’s weekly Roundtable to share his own journey into retirement and what he’s learned along the way. The conversation explored the difference between staying busy and finding purpose, separating identity from a job title and how senior living communities can help residents continue to contribute, serve and create what Larry calls a “living legacy.” Below are a few Fresh Perspectives from his discussion.

RETIREMENT REQUIRES MORE THAN FINANCIAL PLANNING

Leaving a career can mean losing the routines, relationships, influence and identity that shaped daily life for decades. Preparing emotionally and spiritually, and thinking about what a new “scorecard” looks like, can make the transition more purposeful.

PURPOSE IS DIFFERENT FROM STAYING BUSY

A full calendar doesn’t necessarily create fulfillment. Retirement can provide the freedom to shift from accomplishing to participating, choosing meaningful ways to mentor, serve, create and contribute without simply recreating another full-time job.

IDENTITY CAN OUTLAST THE JOB TITLE

For high achievers, separating who they are from what they do can be one of retirement’s biggest challenges. The transition creates an opportunity to rethink identity, establish a new rhythm and explore what might emerge when professional titles no longer define the day.

SENIOR LIVING SHOULD CREATE OPPORTUNITIES TO CONTRIBUTE

Communities can go beyond activities by viewing residents as citizens with experience, skills and purpose rather than simply consumers of services. Volunteering, mentoring, leading and serving can help residents continue building a meaningful “living legacy.”

RETIREMENT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE ALL OR NOTHING

Experienced professionals may still want to contribute while gaining more time for family, travel and personal interests. Consulting, passion projects, flexible leadership roles and job sharing can provide a bridge between a demanding career and traditional retirement.

Read more about Joe’s views on experiential design in his book Magic Moments: How to Intentionally Engineer Transformative Experiences. Available on Amazon.

QUOTES

“Understanding the human condition, I think, is number one. We hear, we smell, we see, we think. And then, just as we move through the world, how different lighting, spaces, colors, sound and smells affect us.” (Joe)

“Walt had one foot in the past and one foot in the future. That foot in the past was always about understanding the human condition and understanding those things that never change, who we are as human beings and what connects us as human beings.” (Joe)

“One of the commonalities with all of them is that sense of community, that they all feel like they belong to something bigger than them.” (Joe)

“When you think about designing for the oldest person and the youngest person, you’re going to create good design because it’s going to be design that considers both physical limitations and capabilities and how people understand it and interact with design.” (Joe)

“I believe simple design is elegant design.” (Joe)

“For me, bad design is when you haven’t done the hard work of understanding how your audience, your guest, your user is really going to engage this, what they’re coming with, what you have to provide them with.” (Joe)

“I am a huge advocate of human-centered design. And that means getting more human touch points into the experience from the very start.” (Joe)

“I don’t want to lose, and I try not to lose, my sense of curiosity.” (Joe)

“I want to take the time to be able to dive a little deeper, to slow down, to notice the wonder again in the world. When we’re little children, the world is filled with wonder. And then as we become older and older and all the responsibilities and everything comes, the world becomes less wonderful.” (Joe)

“I never chose to be a creative. It wasn’t a choice, really. As far back as I can remember, I loved to draw and build things and dream and come up with stories, and it’s just a part of who I am.” (Joe)

“Take a walk in the woods. Go to the opera. Read a great book. The world is filled with so much wonder. Age shouldn’t play into your ability to tap into that.” (Joe)

“Trust the process. No man is an island. We always are working with somebody else on some level. Allow the process to flow. All of us is better than one of us.” (Joe)

NOTES

Joe Lanzisero is a former Disney Imagineer who spent more than three decades creating immersive, story-driven experiences for Disney parks, cruise ships, hotels and other destinations. His work centers on human-centered design, storytelling and creating environments that build meaningful emotional connections with people.

Today, Lanzisero applies the principles he developed at Disney to a broader range of industries and experiences, including healthcare. He also co-authored Magical Moments, a book exploring how human-centered design and storytelling principles can be used to intentionally create transformative experiences in business and everyday life.

Lanzisero was part of what Disney Imagineers called the “handoff generation,” learning from people who had worked directly with Walt Disney. His career included designing Mickey’s Toontown at Disneyland, helping develop Disney’s early cruise experiences and working internationally in Japan, China and Europe.

Great design begins with understanding the human condition and recognizing how lighting, color, sound, smell, space and other sensory elements influence how people feel and experience an environment.

Disney taught Lanzisero to use story as a foundation for design. Even when an experience wasn’t based on a familiar character or intellectual property, his teams developed a backstory that served as a shared creative framework and helped ensure every element supported the same emotional experience.

Universal design asks designers to consider people at both ends of the age spectrum. Designing something that works well for the youngest and oldest users often results in a simpler, more accessible and more elegant experience for everyone.

Bad design often results from assuming users have the same knowledge, expectations or understanding as the designer. Lanzisero believes designers need to understand what people bring to an experience, establish a simple and intuitive foundation, then layer in additional depth for those who want it.

Healthcare environments can reduce anxiety through relatively simple design choices. Adjusting lighting, managing the soundscape and thoughtfully using music can soften an environment while still meeting the functional and safety requirements of a medical setting.

Technology should support human-centered experiences rather than remove the human element from them. In healthcare especially, Lanzisero believes people want to feel heard, understood and cared for from the very beginning of their journey.

As he ages, Lanzisero wants to preserve his curiosity and rediscover the sense of wonder people naturally experience as children. Having more control over his time allows him to travel, learn, sketch and slow down enough to engage more deeply with the world around him.

Creativity has never felt like a career choice to Lanzisero. Drawing, building, dreaming and telling stories have always been part of who he is, and this stage of his life gives him the freedom to explore creativity with fewer deadlines and business constraints.

Lanzisero’s advice to his younger self would be to trust the process. Creative work is collaborative, and learning to ease off, listen to others and allow ideas to unfold can produce richer results than trying to control everything yourself.

QUOTES

“The OGs of the internet really understand how to leverage technology to get the most out of it, but they also know when to turn it off. They’re the ones we should model when it comes to healthy boundaries and good engagement with technology.” (Ginna)

“People think older adults don’t know how to use technology. When you actually talk to them, they’ll be the first to say, ‘Why don’t you bring in a robot? Why don’t you use voice technology if it’s going to make life easier for the staff?'” (Ginna)

“Older adults see technology as an augmentation of what staff are already doing. I actually think the people preventing technology from becoming part of the ecosystem are often the staff themselves.” (Ginna)

“The reality is that older adults see the value of technology. If it’s easy to use and easy to adopt, they’re on it.” (Ginna)

“Gen X and younger baby boomers are the generation that’s exercising the most. They’re not doing chair yoga. They’re hiking five, ten, fifteen miles. They’re skiing. They’re living very active lives.” (Ginna)

“When I go on a senior living website, I don’t want to be overwhelmed by chatbots and pictures of everyone smiling. I want to know what your lifestyle is. What are you really about?” (Ginna)

“They like simplicity. They like elegance. Simpler is better—not because it’s for old people, but because it’s easier to find what you’re looking for. They hate clutter.” (Ginna)

“Technology is a means to the end. If it’s going to help me maintain my independence and still do the things I love in a different way, then that’s exactly how we should age.” (Ginna)

“I see AI as an assistant—a helper. It’s always human in the loop. You’re still in control, but AI gives you those little moments where you think, ‘Oh, I didn’t think about that.'” (Ginna)

“The whole idea of preventing a fall instead of waiting until someone needs help—that’s going to be a game changer.” (Ginna)

“The most successful senior living organizations won’t just operate inside their four walls. They’ll already be working with future residents in their homes years before they ever move in.” (Ginna)

NOTES

Ginna Baik is an aging technology strategist and consultant with more than 20 years of experience helping organizations use technology to improve the lives of older adults. She previously served as Director of AgeTech at AOL and is a board member for LeadingAge California and Eschaton. Her work focuses on digital engagement, consumer experience, AI and helping senior living organizations prepare for the next generation of older adults.

Before joining AOL, Ginna held leadership roles at Amazon Alexa, HP and other technology organizations, where she focused on voice technology, connected living and digital consumer experiences. She is widely recognized as a leading voice in AgeTech and regularly advises senior living providers on technology strategy, AI adoption and consumer engagement.

Older adults are far more comfortable with technology than many organizations assume. Many were among the first internet users, adopted email decades ago and now use smartphones, online banking, travel planning and AI tools at rates much closer to the general population than stereotypes suggest.

Today’s active agers expect marketing that reflects how they actually live. Rather than showing passive lifestyles, organizations should emphasize adventure, lifelong learning, wellness and authentic community experiences that resonate with younger boomers and Generation X.

Senior living websites often overwhelm visitors with chatbots, floor plans and sales messaging before explaining the community’s lifestyle. Technology should personalize and simplify the experience rather than create additional friction.

The most successful technology feels natural and supports independence without calling attention to itself. Voice assistants, smart home features and AI should help people accomplish everyday tasks while allowing them to remain in control.

AI delivers its greatest value by removing friction from everyday life. Instead of replacing people, it should function as an assistant that anticipates needs, provides helpful suggestions and makes routine decisions easier.

Technology can play a major role in preventing falls, supporting aging in place and improving quality of life through smart homes, voice control and passive monitoring that respects privacy while helping older adults remain independent.

For senior living providers, one of AI’s biggest near-term opportunities is reducing caregiver documentation and administrative work, helping staff capture more accurate information, improve care plans and spend more time with residents.

The future of senior living extends beyond the walls of a community. The most successful organizations will begin building relationships with future residents years before they move in, using technology to support aging at home and create a seamless transition when additional care is needed.

The work of caring for aging parents often begins long before caregiving itself. In this episode of Varsity’s Roundtable Talk, Derek Dunham talks with Dr. Allison Alford, Baylor University professor, researcher and author of Good Daughtering, about the often invisible emotional, mental and logistical work adult daughters perform to keep families connected.

Together, they explore the concept of “daughtering,” why so much of women’s family labor goes unrecognized, how daughters can set healthier boundaries without guilt and why honest conversations about aging and caregiving should begin long before a crisis.

Check out the full episode here.

WHAT DOES “DAUGHTERING” MEAN?

Daughtering is meant to be an active representation of what it means to be an adult daughter in a family. Just like we might use active terms like parenting, mothering or partnering, it gives us a sense that being an adult daughter is an active way that women show up. Daughtering is the often invisible emotional, mental, logistical and identity labor that women do in families to stay connected. Often women are doing so much more than they realize until all of a sudden they feel burnt out.

WHY HAS THE WORK OF DAUGHTERS HISTORICALLY BEEN SO INVISIBLE OR UNRECOGNIZED?

One of the reasons daughtering is invisible socially, in society, in culture and in families is because we don’t have the words to describe what daughters do that’s so important and valuable. Women will say, “I’m mothering my mother” or “I’m the parent for my parents.” But you’re not your parent’s parent. What we’re describing is things with more nuance, like care, intimacy, closeness, disclosure, privacy, safety and comfort. It’s important that we call the things we do by the right name.

WHAT ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF DAUGHTERING THAT PEOPLE MIGHT NOT EVEN REALIZE COUNT AS CARE?

I like to talk about daughtering in four categories: acting, thinking, feeling and being. Acting is visible, like calling a parent, bringing them a gift or planning a retirement party. But there’s also thinking, feeling and being a daughter. Those are invisible because they’re happening in our minds and hearts. Thinking work might be planning ahead or removing roadblocks before we run into them. Feeling work is managing our own or others’ emotions. Being work is carrying on the customs, traditions, name and legacy of our family.

IS “ELDEST DAUGHTER SYNDROME” A REAL DYNAMIC?

The research says there’s not a causal relationship, meaning just because you’re the eldest doesn’t mean you will end up doing the most. At the same time, I’m a researcher who believes people. When women say, “As the oldest, I feel the most responsible,” I believe it. They’re saying, “I’m burnt out because I’ve been doing it my whole life. Nobody is giving me credit. Nobody’s noticing how hard I try, and the harder I try, the less they do.” It compounds until they’re burnt out and just want to quit.

HOW DOES DAUGHTERING CHANGE AS PARENTS AGE AND FAMILY ROLES BEGIN TO SHIFT?

In my book, I talk about the “kinship shift.” If I’m a daughter and I’m 20, what my mom or dad need from me may be very little. But by the time I’m 40 and they’re 70, there are different emotional needs, time needs and maybe financial needs. We may take on more of the alpha role, as in being the more in-charge person. That doesn’t mean I become my mother’s mother or my dad’s parent. Daughtering has to change. It has to grow and it has to morph.

QUOTES

“Daughtering is the often invisible emotional, mental, logistical and identity labor that women do in families to stay connected.” (Dr. Alford)

“Women are doing so much more than they realize until all of a sudden they feel burned out.” (Dr. Alford)

“It’s so important that we call the things we do by the right name. When I’m caring for my parents or interacting with them, I am daughtering them.” (Dr. Alford)

“Being a daughter is something we’re born into and something we remain until the day we die, even after our parents have passed. We can find beauty and honor in that role when we elevate it and talk about its intricacies.” (Dr. Alford)

“Two things can be true at the same time. It can feel like an obligation, and it can also be something you genuinely want to do.” (Dr. Alford)

“I call myself the cruise director. I’m noticing who is where, who needs what, who needs to calm down and who needs a little conversation in the bathroom so we can all get ourselves together.” (Dr. Alford)

“Daughtering is kind of like pennies in a fountain. Each act isn’t special on its own, but over time those pennies add up to something incredibly meaningful.” (Dr. Alford)

“We’re not stuck in the family patterns we inherited. I don’t have to do daughtering exactly the way my mom did.” (Dr. Alford)

“Sometimes the greater goal calls for a little bit of friction.” (Dr. Alford)

“We’re starting each day with our battery at 30 percent, then wondering why we feel overwhelmed, resentful or burned out.” (Dr. Alford)

“Create a rubric for what an A-plus-plus daughter would look like, then aim to be a B-plus daughter. A B-plus daughter is still a pretty dang good daughter.” (Dr. Alford)

“Just because you can see what needs to be done and you’d be good at doing it doesn’t mean it’s yours to carry.” (Dr. Alford)

NOTES

Dr. Allison Alford is a professor at Baylor University, researcher and author of Good Daughtering. Her work focuses on family dynamics, caregiving, gender roles and the often-overlooked emotional, mental and logistical labor adult daughters perform throughout their lives. She has spent more than a decade researching how daughter-parent relationships shape families and personal identity.

Good Daughtering is based on more than 10 years of research and conversations with hundreds of women. Dr. Alford wrote the book to make academic research on family relationships more accessible and to give daughters, siblings and spouses practical tools for understanding the often invisible work women perform within families.

Dr. Alford defines “daughtering” as the often invisible emotional, mental, logistical and identity labor women perform to stay connected with their families.

She explains that daughtering extends far beyond caregiving and includes four dimensions: acting, thinking, feeling and being, many of which happen behind the scenes and often go unnoticed.

She believes society lacks the language to describe the unique role daughters play, causing much of their work to be mislabeled, overlooked or viewed simply as an extension of motherhood.

Rather than striving to be a perfect daughter, Dr. Alford encourages women to define what “good daughtering” looks like for their own circumstances and aim for sustainable expectations that leave room for other priorities.

She compares daughtering to putting pennies into a fountain. Small, consistent acts of care may seem insignificant individually, but over time they build strong, meaningful relationships.

She emphasizes that healthy boundaries are essential and reminds daughters that just because they are capable of doing something doesn’t mean they are responsible for carrying every burden.

Dr. Alford encourages families to begin conversations about aging, caregiving and future preferences long before a crisis occurs, reducing stress and helping everyone make more informed decisions together.

She believes the strongest family relationships balance obligation with gratitude, recognizing that caring for aging parents can be both difficult and deeply meaningful at the same time.

Finding the right senior living community starts long before someone schedules a tour. On an episode of Varsity’s Roundtable Talk, Derek talked with Brad Breeding, founder of MyLifeSite, author of Your Best Path Forward and a nationally recognized expert on helping older adults and their families navigate senior living decisions.

Brad shared why so many families struggle to compare community options, the questions people should ask themselves before beginning a search, and how financial concerns often go far beyond monthly costs. He also discussed the growing influence of adult children, why community culture matters more than flashy amenities and the trends he believes will shape the future of senior living.

Check out the full episode here.

WHAT MAKES NAVIGATING SENIOR LIVING SO CONFUSING FOR FAMILIES?

There are so many different options, but from the outside many of them look the same. Independent living, assisted living and life plan communities can differ significantly in services, pricing and long-term value. Then you add the industry’s terminology, much of which is used differently from one community to another. It’s a lot for families to sort through, especially when they’re making a decision they’ve never faced before.

WHAT ARE THE BIGGEST FEARS PEOPLE HAVE WHEN CONSIDERING SENIOR LIVING?

Cost is one of the biggest concerns, especially what the decision might mean for someone’s estate. Beyond that, many people worry they’re making their final move. They wonder if they’ll like the community or regret the decision after selling their home and leaving familiar surroundings. That’s why spending time in a community and getting to know the people before moving is so valuable.

WHAT ROLE DO ADULT CHILDREN PLAY IN THE SENIOR LIVING DECISION?

Many adult children have firsthand experience with caregiving and understand how emotionally and physically demanding it can be. The question isn’t simply, “How do I care for my parents?” It’s, “What’s the best way to care for them?” Sometimes that’s providing support yourself. Other times it’s helping them find a community that can meet their needs while allowing you to focus on being a son or daughter.

WHERE SHOULD SOMEONE BEGIN WHEN THEY START LOOKING AT SENIOR LIVING?

Start by asking what’s most important to you and why. What concerns do you have? What gives you peace of mind? Once you’ve answered those questions, you can evaluate the different options available. The goal isn’t simply to compare communities. It’s to find the option that best aligns with your priorities and future plans.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT THE COST OF SENIOR LIVING?

Many people assume senior living is simply expensive, but it’s more complicated than that. Different communities include different services and use different pricing models. Especially with life plan communities, it’s important to look beyond the entrance fee and consider the lifetime value, future care costs and overall financial picture.

WHAT DO TODAY’S OLDER ADULTS REALLY WANT FROM SENIOR LIVING?

People often assume they’re looking for luxury amenities, but that’s rarely what I hear. They want a place that’s well managed, where they feel respected, connected and comfortable. They want flexibility, meaningful relationships and confidence in the organization. When I ask residents what they like most about where they live, the answer I hear most often is simple: the people.