Tag: aging parents

QUOTES

“Daughtering is the often invisible emotional, mental, logistical and identity labor that women do in families to stay connected.” (Dr. Alford)

“Women are doing so much more than they realize until all of a sudden they feel burned out.” (Dr. Alford)

“It’s so important that we call the things we do by the right name. When I’m caring for my parents or interacting with them, I am daughtering them.” (Dr. Alford)

“Being a daughter is something we’re born into and something we remain until the day we die, even after our parents have passed. We can find beauty and honor in that role when we elevate it and talk about its intricacies.” (Dr. Alford)

“Two things can be true at the same time. It can feel like an obligation, and it can also be something you genuinely want to do.” (Dr. Alford)

“I call myself the cruise director. I’m noticing who is where, who needs what, who needs to calm down and who needs a little conversation in the bathroom so we can all get ourselves together.” (Dr. Alford)

“Daughtering is kind of like pennies in a fountain. Each act isn’t special on its own, but over time those pennies add up to something incredibly meaningful.” (Dr. Alford)

“We’re not stuck in the family patterns we inherited. I don’t have to do daughtering exactly the way my mom did.” (Dr. Alford)

“Sometimes the greater goal calls for a little bit of friction.” (Dr. Alford)

“We’re starting each day with our battery at 30 percent, then wondering why we feel overwhelmed, resentful or burned out.” (Dr. Alford)

“Create a rubric for what an A-plus-plus daughter would look like, then aim to be a B-plus daughter. A B-plus daughter is still a pretty dang good daughter.” (Dr. Alford)

“Just because you can see what needs to be done and you’d be good at doing it doesn’t mean it’s yours to carry.” (Dr. Alford)

NOTES

Dr. Allison Alford is a professor at Baylor University, researcher and author of Good Daughtering. Her work focuses on family dynamics, caregiving, gender roles and the often-overlooked emotional, mental and logistical labor adult daughters perform throughout their lives. She has spent more than a decade researching how daughter-parent relationships shape families and personal identity.

Good Daughtering is based on more than 10 years of research and conversations with hundreds of women. Dr. Alford wrote the book to make academic research on family relationships more accessible and to give daughters, siblings and spouses practical tools for understanding the often invisible work women perform within families.

Dr. Alford defines “daughtering” as the often invisible emotional, mental, logistical and identity labor women perform to stay connected with their families.

She explains that daughtering extends far beyond caregiving and includes four dimensions: acting, thinking, feeling and being, many of which happen behind the scenes and often go unnoticed.

She believes society lacks the language to describe the unique role daughters play, causing much of their work to be mislabeled, overlooked or viewed simply as an extension of motherhood.

Rather than striving to be a perfect daughter, Dr. Alford encourages women to define what “good daughtering” looks like for their own circumstances and aim for sustainable expectations that leave room for other priorities.

She compares daughtering to putting pennies into a fountain. Small, consistent acts of care may seem insignificant individually, but over time they build strong, meaningful relationships.

She emphasizes that healthy boundaries are essential and reminds daughters that just because they are capable of doing something doesn’t mean they are responsible for carrying every burden.

Dr. Alford encourages families to begin conversations about aging, caregiving and future preferences long before a crisis occurs, reducing stress and helping everyone make more informed decisions together.

She believes the strongest family relationships balance obligation with gratitude, recognizing that caring for aging parents can be both difficult and deeply meaningful at the same time.

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The following is a recap from Varsity’s Roundtable, a weekly virtual gathering of senior living marketers and leaders from across the nation. For updates about future weekly Roundtable gatherings, submit your name and email address here. 

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Caregiving doesn’t begin the day someone moves into senior living or needs help with daily tasks. For many adult daughters, it starts years earlier through the quiet, often invisible work of planning ahead, managing family relationships, carrying emotional burdens and constantly thinking about what’s next. While much of that work goes unnoticed, it can have a profound impact on both the daughter providing support and the aging parent receiving it.

During Varsity’s weekly Roundtable, Dr. Allison Alford, author of Good Daughtering (available on Amazon), explored the hidden realities of family caregiving, why daughters often shoulder responsibilities that others never see, and how senior living professionals can better understand and support them throughout the decision-making process. Below are a few Fresh Perspectives from her discussion.

DAUGHTERING IS MORE THAN CAREGIVING

Supporting an aging parent extends far beyond medications, appointments and daily tasks. Daughters also carry the invisible work of planning, worrying, preserving family traditions and holding relationships together. Recognizing that unseen work is the first step toward addressing it.

EMPATHY MATTERS DURING THE DECISION-MAKING PROCESS

Adult daughters are often balancing guilt, finances, family dynamics and their parent’s wishes all at once. Sales teams that acknowledge those emotions while treating both the daughter and parent with dignity build stronger trust and better relationships.

THE DAUGHTER’S ROLE EVOLVES AFTER THE MOVE

Moving into senior living doesn’t end a daughter’s responsibilities. Her role shifts from hands-on caregiving to advocacy, coordination and emotional support, helping ensure her parent continues to thrive while maintaining family connections.

AIM TO BE A “B+” DAUGHTER, NOT AN “A+” DAUGHTER

Burnout often happens because daughters feel responsible for everything. Setting realistic expectations and healthy boundaries allows them to support their parents while still making room for their own careers, families and well-being.

BECOME THE CEO OF THE CARE TEAM

Instead of trying to do every task yourself, coordinate the people around you. Delegating responsibilities to siblings, spouses, adult grandchildren and the senior living team creates a more sustainable approach and allows daughters to spend more quality time simply being a daughter.

Clutter isn’t about things, it’s about memory, identity and the fear of being forgotten. In our newest episode of Varsity’s podcast, Roundtable Talk, Derek sat down with Matt Paxton, nationally recognized downsizing expert and longtime host of A&E’s Hoarders, who has spent decades helping families navigate life’s toughest transitions through his company, Clutter Cleaner.

Matt shared why possessions feel like proof that we mattered, how trauma and loss often sit beneath clutter and why families must lead with love, not judgment, when starting the conversation. The following are some fresh perspectives from the conversation. Check out the full episode here. 

YOU OFTEN SAY CLUTTER IS NEVER ABOUT THE STUFF. WHAT IS IT REALLY ABOUT?

Man, it is never about the stuff. It’s always about the people and the memories attached to the stuff. It’s not about the dining room table. It’s about the people that sat at the dining room table — or more importantly, the people that don’t sit at the table anymore. When you really dig in, clutter is about loss, trauma and love. We’re trying to fill a hole left by someone who mattered to us. The stuff is just a placeholder for that story.

WHY DOES LETTING GO BECOME HARDER AS WE AGE?

It’s proof that we existed. It’s proof that we mattered. And it’s proof that they mattered. We interviewed 100 clients last year, and the number one fear was that their parents would be forgotten when they leave this planet. Think about that — people in their 70s and 80s worried their parents, gone 30 years, would be erased. That fear makes us hold on tight. The items feel like evidence that a life happened and that it meant something.

IS THERE A HEALTHY WAY FOR FAMILIES TO START THESE CONVERSATIONS BEFORE A CRISIS FORCES THEM?

Don’t talk about the mess if you can see the mess. The only time you want to talk about it is when you see it, but that’s also when emotions are highest. So you have to change the tone. Start with, “We love you.” Stress the love. Instead of “How could you live like this?” say, “Wow, you had a big family. You had a lot of love here.” It’s all caused by trauma and loss. When you lead with compassion and align on the finish line — where they’re going next — the conversation changes.

YOU DESCRIBE CLEANOUTS AS AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

It is absolutely an archaeological dig. Every house tells a story — socially, economically, emotionally. I’ve seen it change families. We found a photo of a grandmother as a young woman, and it opened up this incredible story about her being an adjunct professor at MIT and having a whole life her granddaughter never knew about. That one picture shifted how the family saw her. When you slow down and treat it as discovery instead of inconvenience, it can be the most fascinating week of your life.

Want to hear more from Matt? Check out the full episode of Roundtable Talk for more fresh perspectives. Watch new episodes of Roundtable Talk on the Varsity website and on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and iHeartRadio.